The Exquisite Dance

Just a gentle bit of love and musing for any and all of my friends who, like me, struggle with weight.

I've been struggling myself and the number on the scale has gone up 20 lbs in the past year, even though I've been alarmed and trying to have it NOT do that, please. So today I really had to have a talk with myself, and try to remember to infuse it with the love and gentleness I referenced above because it is so easy to do it in a critical, scolding tone in my mind. It's so easy to beat myself up for my weight going up, especially at this stage in my journey, as I know a lot--I've had a lot of experience. I know what to do. I know what works for me and what doesn't. Yet the fact is, I still turn to food for comfort, for soothing, to numb my feelings and stuff them far away where (though this is delusional) they can't hurt me, for so many things that I need to either find and employ other sources of (like comfort and soothing), or try not to do at all (like numbing out or stuffing feelings). And I do understand all this and often succeed at turning to other things: friends, nature, exercise, spirituality, pets. Yet, this past year in particular, or maybe not in particular, maybe just like always, I have turned to food to get me through some traumatic stuff, and some regular old stress and fear and whatnot. (That whatnot is a b*tch.)

Anyway, the cold, hard fact is, I'm 20 pounds heavier than I was last year at this time. Last year, I was just a few pounds over the top of my healthy range. Within striking distance. I was almost back in the zone. But now, as of today, I've gone from alarmed at the gaining to ALARMED, and no way, and I can't gain an ounce more, period.

I just can't afford to, healthwise. Nope, nein, negative, not today, not ever, NO.

Yet, it's fine to say that, but I said that last night after getting on the scale because I felt hungry and like the... not even full "smoothie" (it was just pineapple juice blended with bananas--it would require plain yogurt or something to even make smoothie status, it was more of a frappe or virgin colada) I had for dinner was not enough and that I needed protein. But I weighed myself to kind of talk myself out of it, because it was like 8 p.m. And my weight was alarming. Yet I ended up eating a big meal anyway, as I really was hungry and felt I really needed protein. But was protein all I ate? No. Let's just skip over the details and suffice it to say: I'm feeling out of control-ish re food.

So I took some time to muse about it all this morning, and to re-think about some things I've been thinking about, and to remind myself of some things, and I realized, yet again: food addiction is not like other addictions because you cannot go cold turkey. People with other addictions and people with no addictions do NOT understand this and what this is like, period. But we who have this do. And the thing about it is: you can't just do a black and white thing, you can't just go cold turkey, like I said. Since you have to eat, you HAVE to LEARN. Learn what? Learn, in exquisite detail and with exquisite nuance, exactly what you can and can't eat and when and in what circumstances and with what set of variables (because the choice that is right one day or at one meal maybe not be right another day or at another meal, depending what else you've eaten and what is going on and what setting you are in and a million other variables and constants).

So here is the MAIN thing I've learned, in all my years of following the diet that is best for me and learning that it's always still going to take a lot of intention and a lot of awareness and daily choices, multiple choices every day: no matter what, don't give up. DO NOT GIVE UP.

Yes, you'll struggle and no, it will never be a straight line. And it will never be: "Yay, I got down to a certain number on the scale, now I'm done." No. It's always going to take intention and choices and thoughtfulness and agility and gracefulness and graciousness and trial and error, knowledge and experience, successes and failures (both of which are valuable teachers--the person who wrote the diet I follow said that years ago: your failures aren't failures, they are teachers).

This morning, I had to tell myself: don't give up, obviously, that's not an option, and do get back to fundamentals. We're back to baby steps again, and that is humbling, yet okay. It's okay. Just get back to certain things that you know work for you. Sometimes, when you are struggling, all it takes is one or two seemingly little tweaks, little re-calibrations, to get you back on track!

For me, I had to remind myself this morning: don't have more than one grain-containing meal per day, if you can possibly help it. And maybe just try to go a tad easy on the portion/amount of starchy/grains in same. Maybe just add a *little* less oil/fat. You've got this.

So to all the other me's out there: don't give up. The thing with food addiction (and any addiction/all addiction, but again, food addiction is different, because you HAVE to eat every day and thus you HAVE to learn an exquisite amount of stuff in order to be in "recovery", unlike like other types of addiction, wherein you can simply--though of course I know it isn't "simple"--make one choice to go cold turkey, whereas we can't, we have to basically become experts in biochemistry, our OWN personal biochemistry, what *exactly* keeps us in biochemical balance and what sets off cravings, etc.) is that we food addicts, in order to get into and stay in recovery, in "food sobriety", have to do an exquisite, intricate dance with the substance of our addiction every single day, multiple times per day.

So my bit of love and gentleness for myself as well as for others today is: don't give up when you are struggling, remember to learn from your "failures" as well as your successes, and just get back to Square One, to fundamentals that you know work for you, when you are struggling. For me, since I do consistently fab at not eating the foods I know are really not my friends, what I have to get back to are things like: only one grain-containing meal per day, go easy on portions, go easy on adding oils and other fats. Make one choice at a time, always asking myself: is this a choice that is being kind to myself in the long haul and in the big picture?

One day at a time, one choice at a time.

Stupidism: a new word I just made up.

I've made up a new word:  stupidism.  You know how there are truisms?  Well, says I, there are thus also stupidisms:  sayings that are, not to put too fine a point on it, clearly STUPID.  Example?  "People don't kill people, guns kill people."  That is the quintessence of a stupidism.  All countries have people.  Yet only one country has constant mass murders/massacres.  Only ONE country doesn't ban military-style assault weapons from civilian hands.  That's the country with all the slaughters of innocent people.  So it's the GUNS that are doing all the killing.

All countries have a similar number of violently insane people.  Yet only one has assault weapons, military-style assault GUNS, in those people's hands.  Thus the example I gave of a stupidism is, in fact, a stupidism and is the very one that made me come up with that word for it in the first place.  You're welcome.

Help Bend the Arc

In my favorite speech ever, one of my few, true heroes, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. said of the more just, equitable America he envisioned, "I may not get there with you..." Well, we're still not there, but we have to keep bending the arc. We are his legacy. We are the children he referenced in my personal favorite speech. I was one, going on two, at the time. And we have to keep the ideals Dr. King, Jr. stood for alive, employing creative non-violent action and resistance to bring about a more just, equitable America and world. We must bend the arc until the ideals Dr. King stood so clearly, courageously, eloquently and fiercely lovingly for meet reality.

Keep the candle of hope lit, and be brave, children.

RANT about Repugs

 Rant ON:

I find it totally disgusting that McCarthy, in his acceptance speech, said the repugs are going to make America a great place for children. Why would anyone find that disgusting? Because, for my entire adult life, since 1980, the Republicans have put everything they have into doing the exact opposite of that.

If repugs really cared about children at all, there would be:

Universal, single-payer health care
Universal, federally-mandated paid maternity and paternity leave
Paid pre-K care for children age 0 to kindergarten age
Contraception covered at 100%
Sane federal gun laws, including a total federal BAN ON ASSAULT WEAPONS
Prioritize fully funding our public schools, and no, that does NOT include "charter schools".
A fair and equitable tax system in which EVERYONE, including the rich, PAY THEIR TAXES.

But no, that is not what repugs want or care about. Children? Making America a good place for children? That is literally the last thing on their tiny, self-centered, short-sighted, greedy little beady, non-reasonable facsimile of minds!

Here's what repugs care about, PERIOD, and this has, again, been true since at least 1980:

1. NOT paying taxes. These POS, unpatriotic bleeps don't want to pay taxes, period.

2. Being xenophobic.

3. Maintaining the patriarchy.

So, McCarthy, shut up immediately about making America a great place for children. Your party has made America a hellscape for children. And for the rest of us. I wish you would build a big, beautiful wall around yourselves, preferably out of country in some tax haven, and leave America to those of us who want to build on what is truly great about it and make it a truly great place for children.

Oy Vey

What the? Imagine if this basket of deplorables had been in charge (read: in chaos) a two years ago tomorrow. Think about it.

You would think I would be relishing the Republican Party imploding right now, unable to elect a Speaker of the House, seeing as how I DETEST said party and most of those who comprise it, but, as a patriotic American who wants my country to be healthy--or at least functional--this is NOT good.  At all.  Yes, it is delectable that the complicit treasonous traitor known as McCarthy is not getting the power reward he expected for his betrayal of our constitution and people, but any satisfaction I would be feeling from that is totally eclipsed by these despicables paralyzing our country.

Just thank goodness (and all of us who VOTED in 2020) that their sociopathic leader (45) didn't win a second term.  The ripple effects of all he unleashed are horrendous enough without him still at the helm.  At least there have been some very healthy signs of hope for recovery for our country recently.  But this?  This spectacle going on as we speak in the House of Representatives?  This is totally the inmates taking over the asylum.  Only they can't even do that--they can't even effectuate the takeover off the asylum.  So how are they going to run things, IF they ever elect a Speaker?

Short version of my above post:  oy vey.

It Ain't Over 'Til The Rule of Law Sings

It ain't over 'til the rule of law sings.

I think today, the rule of law is going to sing.

#45isGoingDown #TheConstitutionWins #AmericaEndures

Thinking About This Coming Sunday: Transgender Day of Remembrance 2022

As I lay in bed, pre-crack-of-dawn, freezing (it got very cold by Florida standards last night, and I only had one cover on, and somehow couldn't summon the requisite energy required to go get a second one, so I opted to freeze into a solid block of ice instead), I realized dawn was, in fact, just starting to break.  And I realized this is the day my employer is honoring/marking Transgender Day of Remembrance--which actually falls on this coming Sunday, November 20, but today is the last weekday ahead of that, so they are doing the following today--with a flag raising ceremony.  I lay there in bed feeling grateful to work there (as I posted about the other day, upon learning of the upcoming ceremony).  And then I thought about how this will be the first Transgender Day of Remembrance since someone I love with all my heart and soul, who was trans, passed away.

Every TDOR, she posted about it on Facebook.  But she didn't just try to educate about everything trans people go through on that one day.  To her, every day was Transgender Day of Remembrance.

I've been--or fancied myself, anyway--an extremely liberal, progressive, or whatever word you want to use, person all my life.  I was raised that way and I also think/feel that I hatched straight out of the egg that/this way.  I abhor prejudice in all forms.  I am passionate about the human--and also very American (when we're at our best)--ideals of equality and fairness.  I'm all about what is now buzz-worded as DEIB:  diversity, equity, inclusion and belonging.  Yet, until my trans loved one came back into my life, after DECADES of us being lost to each other (yep:  I date back before Facebook, social media, or event the internet, to prehistoric days when you could actually lose touch with someone and have no idea where they were, or what was going on with them), I had no idea what trans people go through, or even really the slightest idea what it really is to be trans.  I thought I was an aware, educated human being yet, in point on fact, on all things trans, I 100% was NOT.

When my friend, Mika, came back into my life, and I learned she is trans, I had a steep learning curve to even begin to understand and know what she and other trans people go through.  For just one example, I had zero idea--zero, none, nunca, no clue--that trans people are murdered every day, for no other reason than existing while trans.

Just to go out of the house, just to walk outside, is risking your life.

My friend told me about being "trans bashed"--beaten to a pulp--back in the late 1980s.  She told me this in 2011.  I wanted to KILL someone or several someones, whomever did this to her.  My heart raced, my blood boiled, I started almost hyperventilating, I started crying, and I wanted to, as I said, hunt down the people who did this and KILL THEM.  I had to tell myself:  Edna, this happened years ago.  Decades ago.  You cannot do anything.  And it's over.  Calm down.  Yet I couldn't seem to make my heart or any part of my physical body catch up with my mind to understand that this did not just happen five seconds ago.  I could not calm down.  And that was 2011, when I was told this, and still my heart starts racing and I feel myself going into "fight or flight" mode, just thinking about it.

That is only one fraction of the fear and other emotions that trans people go through on a daily basis, just trying to go to the grocery store, or walk outside as their true selves.

I had no idea of so much about being trans, and the issues they face, but even just that ONE thing:  you can't walk down the street without the very real chance that you could be attacked, and killed, should give us all pause and hopefully make those of you who may not have known this before want to fight for transgender rights.

You may not think you personally know anyone who is trans but you probably do.  Maybe they, like my friend, back when I first knew her, haven't yet been able to name what it is they feel--maybe they don't even know yet.  Or maybe they are afraid to come out.  Or maybe they are out and you don't realize that they used to present to the world as another gender.  But I guarantee you that someone you know is trans, or somehow doesn't fit neatly into the black and white gender boxes we try to put them into.

And, when that person lets you know, please respond with love, kindness and acceptance.  And when you see a stranger who you think is trans, no matter what you think, even if you don't accept them for who they are, please at least tolerate them:  We are supposed to be a tolerant society, a respectful society.  Please live and let live.  You don't have to understand everyone, but as long as a person is peaceful and not hurting anyone, please be peaceful and don't hurt them back.

Today is only Friday and TDOR isn't until Sunday, but I felt compelled, lying there in the cold, dark dawn this morning, to write about it NOW.  I felt the need to post about it NOW.  Why wait?  This is the first year that my dear friend, Mika, is not here herself to give voice to her truth, and her community, and speak up and out, and bring awareness to Transgender Day of Awareness.  So I will do it.  Please:  take a moment on Sunday, November 20, 2022, to reflect on all the trans people who have been murdered just for not fitting into the gender box, the artificial lines we draw on a page to try to fit people into, when we are learning that gender is so much more complex than that.  Please, if someone tells you what their gender is, believe them, and give them not hate but a hug.