The Exquisite Dance

Just a gentle bit of love and musing for any and all of my friends who, like me, struggle with weight.

I've been struggling myself and the number on the scale has gone up 20 lbs in the past year, even though I've been alarmed and trying to have it NOT do that, please. So today I really had to have a talk with myself, and try to remember to infuse it with the love and gentleness I referenced above because it is so easy to do it in a critical, scolding tone in my mind. It's so easy to beat myself up for my weight going up, especially at this stage in my journey, as I know a lot--I've had a lot of experience. I know what to do. I know what works for me and what doesn't. Yet the fact is, I still turn to food for comfort, for soothing, to numb my feelings and stuff them far away where (though this is delusional) they can't hurt me, for so many things that I need to either find and employ other sources of (like comfort and soothing), or try not to do at all (like numbing out or stuffing feelings). And I do understand all this and often succeed at turning to other things: friends, nature, exercise, spirituality, pets. Yet, this past year in particular, or maybe not in particular, maybe just like always, I have turned to food to get me through some traumatic stuff, and some regular old stress and fear and whatnot. (That whatnot is a b*tch.)

Anyway, the cold, hard fact is, I'm 20 pounds heavier than I was last year at this time. Last year, I was just a few pounds over the top of my healthy range. Within striking distance. I was almost back in the zone. But now, as of today, I've gone from alarmed at the gaining to ALARMED, and no way, and I can't gain an ounce more, period.

I just can't afford to, healthwise. Nope, nein, negative, not today, not ever, NO.

Yet, it's fine to say that, but I said that last night after getting on the scale because I felt hungry and like the... not even full "smoothie" (it was just pineapple juice blended with bananas--it would require plain yogurt or something to even make smoothie status, it was more of a frappe or virgin colada) I had for dinner was not enough and that I needed protein. But I weighed myself to kind of talk myself out of it, because it was like 8 p.m. And my weight was alarming. Yet I ended up eating a big meal anyway, as I really was hungry and felt I really needed protein. But was protein all I ate? No. Let's just skip over the details and suffice it to say: I'm feeling out of control-ish re food.

So I took some time to muse about it all this morning, and to re-think about some things I've been thinking about, and to remind myself of some things, and I realized, yet again: food addiction is not like other addictions because you cannot go cold turkey. People with other addictions and people with no addictions do NOT understand this and what this is like, period. But we who have this do. And the thing about it is: you can't just do a black and white thing, you can't just go cold turkey, like I said. Since you have to eat, you HAVE to LEARN. Learn what? Learn, in exquisite detail and with exquisite nuance, exactly what you can and can't eat and when and in what circumstances and with what set of variables (because the choice that is right one day or at one meal maybe not be right another day or at another meal, depending what else you've eaten and what is going on and what setting you are in and a million other variables and constants).

So here is the MAIN thing I've learned, in all my years of following the diet that is best for me and learning that it's always still going to take a lot of intention and a lot of awareness and daily choices, multiple choices every day: no matter what, don't give up. DO NOT GIVE UP.

Yes, you'll struggle and no, it will never be a straight line. And it will never be: "Yay, I got down to a certain number on the scale, now I'm done." No. It's always going to take intention and choices and thoughtfulness and agility and gracefulness and graciousness and trial and error, knowledge and experience, successes and failures (both of which are valuable teachers--the person who wrote the diet I follow said that years ago: your failures aren't failures, they are teachers).

This morning, I had to tell myself: don't give up, obviously, that's not an option, and do get back to fundamentals. We're back to baby steps again, and that is humbling, yet okay. It's okay. Just get back to certain things that you know work for you. Sometimes, when you are struggling, all it takes is one or two seemingly little tweaks, little re-calibrations, to get you back on track!

For me, I had to remind myself this morning: don't have more than one grain-containing meal per day, if you can possibly help it. And maybe just try to go a tad easy on the portion/amount of starchy/grains in same. Maybe just add a *little* less oil/fat. You've got this.

So to all the other me's out there: don't give up. The thing with food addiction (and any addiction/all addiction, but again, food addiction is different, because you HAVE to eat every day and thus you HAVE to learn an exquisite amount of stuff in order to be in "recovery", unlike like other types of addiction, wherein you can simply--though of course I know it isn't "simple"--make one choice to go cold turkey, whereas we can't, we have to basically become experts in biochemistry, our OWN personal biochemistry, what *exactly* keeps us in biochemical balance and what sets off cravings, etc.) is that we food addicts, in order to get into and stay in recovery, in "food sobriety", have to do an exquisite, intricate dance with the substance of our addiction every single day, multiple times per day.

So my bit of love and gentleness for myself as well as for others today is: don't give up when you are struggling, remember to learn from your "failures" as well as your successes, and just get back to Square One, to fundamentals that you know work for you, when you are struggling. For me, since I do consistently fab at not eating the foods I know are really not my friends, what I have to get back to are things like: only one grain-containing meal per day, go easy on portions, go easy on adding oils and other fats. Make one choice at a time, always asking myself: is this a choice that is being kind to myself in the long haul and in the big picture?

One day at a time, one choice at a time.

Stupidism: a new word I just made up.

I've made up a new word:  stupidism.  You know how there are truisms?  Well, says I, there are thus also stupidisms:  sayings that are, not to put too fine a point on it, clearly STUPID.  Example?  "People don't kill people, guns kill people."  That is the quintessence of a stupidism.  All countries have people.  Yet only one country has constant mass murders/massacres.  Only ONE country doesn't ban military-style assault weapons from civilian hands.  That's the country with all the slaughters of innocent people.  So it's the GUNS that are doing all the killing.

All countries have a similar number of violently insane people.  Yet only one has assault weapons, military-style assault GUNS, in those people's hands.  Thus the example I gave of a stupidism is, in fact, a stupidism and is the very one that made me come up with that word for it in the first place.  You're welcome.